(Portland, OR) – It wasn’t enough that there is an NBA lockout, now the troubled basketball league has been rocked with a new scandal. After years of questioning of his age, Greg Oden finally revealed that he is actually 47. The Badwax undercover investigating team unearthed the news late last night.
Senior Badwax investigative writer Hunter Thornburg reported that Oden while currently under rehab for his latest micro-fracture surgury, also had a secret procedure to remove cataracts. The secret procedure was done knowing that if word of his cataracts got out, he would be exposed as a much older person than he claims he is. A receipt from the opthamologist’s office thrown out by Oden before leaving, revealed everything, including Oden’s real age.
“This is just a shock, I had no idea.” said a clearly dumbfounded Nate McMillan, Trailblazers coach. While Portland interim GM Chad Buchanan said, “We in the front office certainly had our suspicions, but after our investigation of him prior to the draft we couldn’t find anything definitive.” Players were also shocked as Kevin Durant, selected 2nd behind Oden in the 2007 NBA Draft said, “I can’t believe that I was chosen second behind him. I knew he looked older than 20, not 17 years older mind you, but definitely older.” Teamates looked saddened by the news, a player who spoke under anonymity said, “We all felt sorry for him, I mean here was a guy that just had some real bad luck with heath issues, turns out he was just physically breaking down because of age. We should have known when he started to walk around with a cane, but he just laughed it off.”
Fans of the aged Oden also felt let down, super collector Oliver Frontario who has spent most of his past 4 years collecting only Greg Oden cards is devastated. “I’ve easily sunk $7000 into collecting all of Greg’s cards. Not only am I pissed that his career might be over, but how the heck am I supposed to unload these cards now? No one is going to want them.”
Oden, clearly embarrassed by this revelation has not issued a statement as of yet. Oden will be a free agent this summer and it is unclear as to his current market value. Said one NBA GM, “No one is looking for a center with no knees and uses a can to walk, and that’s for a 27 year old.” Oden was looking for a $6 million dollar mid level exemption, however at this point his agent says, “We’d be happy to get league minimum and early access to AARP.” Experts agree that he faces an uphill battle getting back onto the court since walkers or canes are not allowed during game play. One current player noted, “I think that’s a good rule, I know that I don’t want to be going up for a rebound and then getting knee capped by Greg and his cane.”
Still with all the questions surrounding him, Oden continues to rehab, recently while on a seniors only cruise he was actually seen walking without the use of a cane, plus he says that his shuffleboard skills have never been better. Clearly a good sign for a player who is in need of good news at this point.
Oden seen here with walking cane
Note: This post is a parody and should not be taken seriously.