(Bronx, New York) – In what can only be described as a confirmation of what we all assumed, Andruw Jones admitted to the media that for the past 4 years he’s been mailing it in. Former Dodgers teammate Manny Ramirez said, “I was pretty sure that was the case, but I didn’t want to be the one that leaked it.”
Joe Torre, manager of the Dodgers in 2008 had a different take on it, ‘I saw his numbers in 2007 and was completely unimpressed. When he signed with the Dodgers for that ridiculous contract, I actually went to (Ned) Colletti and asked if I had to play him all the time?” Torre went on to say, “The lifetime supply of Dodger hot dogs that was written into his contract was a dead give away. He showed up to camp overweight, and seemed to add weight during the season.”
Baseball guru Tim Kurkjian went even further, “He was 29 and had close to 400 home runs, you could tell though, his heart wasn’t into baseball anymore. He had recently taken up eating as a hobby and it started to show as he expanded from 180lbs to about 240lbs.” He went on to say, “Once he committed to competitive eating, after he signed the Dodger contract, I knew it was not a good sign.”
Jones, who sat down with the media yesterday explained things further. “I had dreams of giving Kobayashi and (Joey) Chestnut a run for their money in the Coney Island hot dog eating contest in 2008 so I trained all winter and yeah, I showed up to camp a little overweight.” He went on to say, “I had to mail it in that season if I was going to get released in time for the contest. Ever since they banned performance enhancing drugs, playing baseball and putting up ridiculous stats just didn’t mean anything to me anymore. My agent Mr. Boras was a saint though, he let me know that he was going to get me a top deal and he came through.”
Scott Boras was not available for comment. Jone’s career did take a nose dive in 2008 and he never really put up the numbers fans became accustom to ever since. Jones never did get to compete in the Coney Island contest, because of a sore jaw he developed just days before the qualifiers. Since being released form the Dodgers, Jones has led a nomadic life in the majors, playing for the Rangers, White Sox and Yankees.
As for his market value in the world of baseball cards, they have tanked. Vincent Tibone a lifelong collector of everything Andruw Jones told his sad tale. “There was a time when Jones cards went for a lot of money, I had at least 100 of his autographs and each one was worth 50-75 dollars. Now I’d be happy to get a dollar or two for each. I was holding on to them, hoping that at some point the market would turn around, but it never did. After hearing the news he phoned it in last night, I was devastated, I don’t know if there is even an Andruw Jones market anymore. Now I have to hope that he gets big in competitive eating.
It’s true, although not touring on the circuit, Jones has hinted that he will be after his playing days are over. “I think I can put together 3 or 4 more less than mediocre seasons, then it’s off to the MLE tour. I’m coming after you Chestnut!” So far MLE has not issued a statement, but insiders are excited about Jones stepping up to the plate. “He could really be a serious threat in this league.” Jones smiled when he heard that, then rubbed his belly and laughed.
Note: This is a parody, this is not a true story.